jusummerhayes

Being seen

Photo by Jr Korpa on Unsplash
Photo by Jr Korpa on Unsplash
Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn
anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you.
David Whyte, The House of Belonging

Good morning.

It looks like it might be dry today, but we sure needed yesterday's rain; the garden is looking better, as are the trees, the hedgerows and the fields.

Can you believe it? It's already Thursday. Where's the week gone? But then, I suspect, because my legal work is starting to pick up pace, the slide into daily and/or weekly invisibility is inevitable.

The title?

I'll be brief. 

Being seen is one of the most important areas of interpersonal relationships. 

But are we?

Seen!

Speaking personally, and I need to be careful what I say so as not to offend too many people, I don't feel that I've ever (properly) been seen. 

Then again, I think I've done a good job, a really good job, at papering over the real me (i.e. true self), and therefore it's hard to know, now, if the fault lies with me or the other person(s).

This, then, cuts across another hobby-horse of mine; namely, speaking our truth. If we don't speak our truth without rancour or any other highly-charged state, how then can we criticise the other person?

Do you see my point?

I mean, we say we want or expect to be seen. But what is the other party expected to see that hitherto hasn't been acknowledged?

I accept that this is another one of my half-baked generalisations and I could be way off beam apropos true self never showing up, but perhaps it's worth considering who or what you are and what's missing in the relationship that you abhor or feel is broken before you go on the offensive. 

Even if I'm wrong on this point and your position is that you should be seen for who you are, even if it isn't the whole you or the real you, just once in a while it pays, not in a show or die way, to speak up and tell the other person how you're feeling — all body, mind and soul. They're not a mind reader after all. 

I'm not going to name people to illustrate my point but I don't have to scratch the surface too hard to see how relationships have and are foundering because ipso facto no one is willing to speak their truth. I know, certainly in one relationship, when it finally happens, it will be too late for both parties. 

Of course, it's easy to remark and/or excoriate on this topic without more, but what most people expect or require is a solution or answer to fix or ameliorate the 'being seen' problem. These days, save for my legal work, where I'm paid to fix problems, I'm no longer in the sticking plaster, paper-over-the-cracks business. Sorry, that's a cheap shot. I'm sure there are people out there who work in this space but, personally speaking, I think well before we get to the 7-Step Programme, we've got to acknowledge in a deep, reverent way that we don't see other people for who they are. Instead, it's a mental construct — i.e. a product of our thinking/feeling state — and if we were to attempt to drop even a small fraction of that paradigm, I wonder what that would do to light up the issue?

Think about it. Absent the (faux) labels, the repetitive thinking and at least some of the feelings, what's left? I was going to say a 'mystery' but that sounds way too churlish. It's a person for god's sake — a human bloody being. 

But I think it's a start, don't you?

Drop everything, and ask yourself: what then do you see and experience?

Take care.

Blessings, Ju. 


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