jusummerhayes

Going to sleep

"To me awake means this: I am not on any kind of journey. I have no destination. There is nothing to attain. I am not becoming anything. This is it."
— Robert Saltzman, Depending on No-Thing

Good morning.

How was your weekend?

Do you detect, as I am, that everyone is beginning to return to something close to their pre-CV19 lives? There's certainly more movement, more noise and a sense (not for everyone) that we're through the worst of it.

The title.

What of the title?

Slightly tendentious? Possibly. But then again, there's a reason why I've set the scene with a quote from Mr Saltzman's book. If that is awake, what's the opposite?

Oooh.

To be on a mission to change you and the world?

Perhaps not, but then again, I'd be the first to admit that, previously, I've been all vim and vigour, a goal-setting maniac thinking that, once achieved, my life would be made complete. 

Well, not quite. 

My yardstick, more often than not, was someone else's yardstick; namely, a better job, more money and all the trappings of (supposed) success. It wasn't that I bought it hook, line and sinker because, apart from anything else, I really wasn't in it for the money. Oh sure, I liked the money but it wasn't the reason for dragging my sorry self out of bed at 4 am and going back to bed at 12 midnight, thinking the harder I worked the more would come my way. 

What. An. Idiot!

Not now. 

And no, I don't say that to be different to you dear reader or anyone else.

I'm not now on a goal-setting journey, and I sure as hell am not advocating that anyone else live their life that way.

Just live. 

Live for now. 

Not tomorrow or the day after that. 

Sure, sometimes you've got to plan but, truth is, you've no way of knowing if you'll be here once said plan comes, hopefully, to fruition. 

Also, invite a better or more beautiful question into your heart.

What does it mean to live into my aliveness?

The answer might reveal more of you than trying to answer the business-as-usual, anodyne variety that says do this (great gobs of effort), get that (massive, unparallelled success).

Am I making sense?

Put it this way, it's easy to be busy — super, super busy. But if, not in a nihilistic way, there is no destination other than being alive, right here, right now, then what? How are you going to live? 

I'll tell you this, having been at home now for nearly nine weeks, one thing I've seen in myself is a great slowing down which has brought renewed clarity — not the faux variety — to my life. As I said in yesterday's post, all I feel drawn to (but I've known this for longer than I care to admit) is that if I have a purpose, it's to live into my creative instinct, fully. Whatever emerges, emerges. It might just be this blog and a bit of poetry but then again, not to delude myself, it might be something very different. No longer am I trying to climb some faux corporate ladder, or become the best lawyer or even to work myself into great physical shape. Instead, and as cliched as it sounds, I'm taking each day as it comes, showing up at my computer and Brother 1350 typewriter and doing my thing. 

And that's more than enough when you add into the mix what else I've got on my daily plate.

Actually, it feels like I'm more awake now than I've been in a very long time.

Anyhow (I don't know why I always end my blogs with that word), that's it for today. Have a good one.

Take care.

Blessings,

Ju

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