jusummerhayes

Undone

"But when the pain cuts you deep
When the night keeps you from sleeping
Just look and you will see that I will be your remedy
When the world seems so cruel
And your heart makes you feel like a fool
I promise you will see that I will be
I will be your remedy"
— Adele, 25

I didn't make the 5 am cut. 

Instead, with a thick head an irreverence for the day, I got up at 5. 30 am to do last night's dishes and reflect on the unfolding Covid-19 pandemic.

To be honest, as I sat down to drink my coffee — I couldn't face breakfast — I was overwhelmed by the enormity of the situation, and it was more than I could do not to burst into tears. No one would have noticed my slight wobble though: I've got this cast-iron ability to keep it in, even when I'm the verge of collapse. It comes from years of having to deal with my parents' torment of my soul.

And then we drove to work, together with daughter #3's friend; and I played '25' by Adele. I went straight to Remedy: the chorus (above) cut me to the core; I was struck with an overwhelming sense of grief and loss. At what, I don't know, but I felt helpless, undone by the situation.

My wife dropped me off at work, and here I am typing these few words.

If I'm honest, I'm not sure what the day will bring save the routine of another day of doing it, doing it, doing it — and, yes, I'm lucky on so many fronts — but as Adele says, the pain cuts [me] deep.

I'll keep going, though. What other choice do I have?

If there's one bright spot to report on it's the fact that yesterday I caught up with someone I spoke to about a decade ago who has managed, against all the odds, to marry his legal career (he's 56) with a desire to change the world of work. If you've read Re-Inventing Organisations by Fred Laloux you'll know what I mean when I talk about Teal but that's the space he occupies. If nothing else, it restored my slightly waining faith that somewhere out there, if I survive the cut and thrust of the next couple of years of in-house lawyering, there's a space for me to marry soul and role.

Anyhow, I've got a 9 am meeting where I'll once again have to sort out a 50-page contract before moving on to another issue that requires a delicate legal touch to keep a customer on side.

Blessings and love to you all.

Ju.

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