jusummerhayes

Asleep

“The next morning, Malcolm thought long and hard before waking up, for he had come to recognise over the past quarter of a century that rather less can go wrong if you are asleep.”
― Tom Holt, Expecting Someone Taller 

We go to work, do our thing and, if we're lucky, the next day get to do it all over again 🥱.

But at what cost?

Life.

No, not this one but the one we should be living — the one we're called to, perhaps.

But of course, as I said in today's earlier post (I hope it was clear) the way we're expressed, is the way we're expressed

Do you feel it though?

The pull to do something more enlivening?

I do. 

And I fear it's getting worse.

This year, aged 53, I'll have worked every year for 40 years!! In the beginning, it was only a Christmas and Summer-holiday job, but, thereafter, I've been glued to the hamster wheel, hammering out the days in the hope of...?

I'm not sure.

Really.

I've tried that many things, I no longer know, or even care, why I do what I do.

Argghh, that's not accurate.

I don't and never have willed any of this.

I'm here because I'm here but the fact I keep watching Ben Fogle interview and stay with outliers — i.e. those people who've genuinely escaped the rat race — and my (current) obsession with going on the road, suggest to me, based on my previous experience of pulling the pin on one job and then another, that what I'm now doing is another step in the direction of another life.

I know that sounds awfully pretentious and I'm well aware how lucky I am but when the urge strikes, as my poor, long-suffering wife will attest, I will move, and very quickly.

Right now, absent the need to provide stability for daughter #3 (Florrie), I'd be off. I don't know what that would do to my marriage of 28 years, but I'm quite sure it would put a strain on it if only because my wife doesn't like change of any type. To be honest, I've long since given up on the notion that she has the same inclination as me to jack it all in and travel and all I can hope for is that when the time comes to call it time we can come to a sensible compromise that includes: (a) buying a tiny house, (b) me sorting out a little van out and (c) finding enough money between us to keep the Good Ship Summerhayes afloat. 

...Lots to play for, eh.

I realise that what I'm sharing sounds a bit wistful and, in truth, I should shut up and just get on with it, but I feel blessed to have rediscovered the LJ community and I figured you'd understand my compunction to share.

Much love 💙, Ju. 

Photo by Maeghan Smulders on Unsplash


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