Julian Summerhayes

“Find your place on the planet. Dig in, and take responsibility from there.”
― Gary Snyder

From our youngest days, so many prescriptions are offered for life.

Do this, don't do that. 

Go there, not somewhere else.

Get this job, not that one.

You don't always listen (if at all), but you hope, if you follow a well-worn path, you too might enjoy the same or a similar life. 

I'd like to say that that was what it was like for me: a steady, guiding hand, making sure I didn't make too many wrong turns.

But it wasn't. 

It was an unholy mess. 

I wasted great gobs of my life pursuing first one blind alley and then another.

On one level, that's no more than anyone should expect. To make a few wrong turns in order to finally arrive at our chosen destination.

That's life, right?

Surely, though, it's not wrong to expect (who expects this might be a better question?) that, at some stage, you'll no longer have to keep running at full gas and the promised land will deliver all its promise?

Again, I can only talk from personal experience, but I still don't feel that's the case. 

I'm making do — at best.

Why?

Why indeed?

A heady mix of things: fear, ennui, solemnity, my age and resigned acceptance.

But does it matter? 

Does any of it matter?

On one level, of course it does. I only get one shot at this. On another level, who said  that I wouldn't always feel that I'm living with a phantom twin who's constantly restless, out of tune with my extant reality?